President Palin resigns, VP Bachman to be sworn in

February 24, 2013

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(anonymously reported)

WASILLA, AK Today President Sarah Palin announced that she is resigning the presidency, after just one month in office.

Acknowledging, as she did in ’09 when she resigned as governor of Alaska, that the resignation was “unconventional” and that she was just not “wired for politics as usual, also!” she said she needed “also more time with my new triplets, Nuclear, Howitzer and AK-47,” born three weeks prior to her inauguration.

Her speech highlighted what she called “also my vast accomplishments in fighting terror and also, too, anti-Americanism!” during her brief tenure in office by leveling scores of cities – both foreign and domestic.

Palin's formal letter of resignation was signed, “Your Heavenly Father!”

Vice President Michele Bachman, the other half of the unprecedented female team that was elected to office in November, will be sworn in before Congress, whose remaining members now convene in a classroom at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA since Palin ordered airstrikes on the Capitol.

While the President has focused on delivering nuclear strikes on the much-enlarged Axis of Evil, Bachman has spent her brief term conducting lightning-speed treason and impeachment hearings to determine which members of Congress are “pro-America or anti-America.” All tried were found guilty and all found guilty have been executed.

With the Senate now whittled down to 21 members, all Republicans from the South and West, and the House down to 94 Republicans and a smattering of Secessionist Party loyalists, Bachman promised today that she will continue Palin’s air strikes until the nation is “fully cleansed” of both individuals and regions that cannot prove they are pro-America.

Palin’s one month in office began unconventionally, without a hint what was to come. Taking a cue from Rod Blagojevich, the impeached, convicted and imprisoned former Governor of Illinois, who refused to move into the Governor’s mansion in the state capital, Palin refused to move to Washington, DC., was inaugurated in her home town in Wasilla and ran the government from her house.

But within hours of taking the oath of office, she assumed mantle of Commander in Chief, donned a mini-skirted camouflage uniform and ordered nuclear strikes on Iran, Iraq, North Korea, Russia, China, Pakistan, France and Sweden, declaring them, variously, terrorist, terrorist-hugging, socialist and “just plain foreign.”

Additional strikes followed, with most of Western Europe now in rubble along with large swaths of the Mid-East and Asia. On the advice of campaign chair and presidential advisor, Bill Kristol, Israel was spared.

Some of the nations Palin attacked appear to have retaliated but instead of striking national symbols of power and wealth, they have concentrated on “Palin country,” hitting small towns and farms in the heartland.

Each such strike resulted in Palin taking seemingly random aim at yet another nation. The cantons of Luxembourg were flattened; the population wiped out. Luxembourg, Palin said, was just “too French.”

When millions of Americans took to the streets in protest and television covered the air strikes and protests without interruption, she followed the lead of Ahmadinejad in 2009 and shut down nearly all media and communications outlets, including all television networks but Fox, cell phones, land lines, the Internet, and FM radio – leaving only AM talk radio.

Even Twitter was quashed.

Next she had tens of thousands who had quickly formed a Blue Movement (using the same hue of blue from the 2008 Obama campaign) to “take the nation back” arrested, including thousands of reporters. Within days she ordered domestic strikes on the parts of the nation she declared were not “pro-America” – the parts of the country that Palin’s international victims refused to attack.

New York City was the first to be leveled along with the North Salem, NY, home of David Letterman, with whom Palin had a dust-up in 2009, followed by Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston and, after a warning to the remaining members of Congress to evacuate, the nation’s capital as well.

While fires across the nation’s cities are still burning, Bachman proclaimed that the “cleansing of America is near completion,” and that she looks forward to focusing on her “dearest concerns,” such as all schools teaching creationism, a full-court press for the return of production of incandescent light bulbs, the repeal of the Constitution and the adoption of The Bible as the nation’s binding law.

Former President Barack Obama, in secret exile with his family, Joe Biden and other members of his former administration, could not be reached for comment.